YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
