dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
