im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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