he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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