I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
