also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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