glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
