I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
that may or may not have been my penis.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
