I'm drive I can fine osifer
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
