You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
