Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
