Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
