btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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