Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
