i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My balls are so social today.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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