My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
