a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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