Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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