OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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