All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
