Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
