There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
