9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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