first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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