Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
