Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
