Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
