you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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