Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
my liver is dry heaving
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
