Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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