FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
