My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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