A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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