I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
