3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
