wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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