Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
