Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
