I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
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