Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
