can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
