they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
