Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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