oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
