sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
