yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
