I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
