I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
