Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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