Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
