When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't deserve a penis
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
